Dear David, I Promise My Kids Won't Cook Meth in Your Kitchen

Dear David at VRBO. Thank you for your recent response to my inquiry for your beautiful property. It’s understandable you cannot accommodate my request due to the fact I have children. They are rather inconvenient. If you can believe it, they require feedings three or more times a day. They have an endless number of arguments as to why we are always wrong, The youngest one breaks things. 

But hear me out.

What if I told you they weren’t actually children, but rather human pets? We live in an age where people love pets. Some people wear T-shirts that self-advertise as Dog Mom. Others don bumper stickers on their cars that say, “Drive safe: Fur babies on board.” I love animals too. As a bonus, my pets don’t even shed. They’re more like fur-less fur babies. Reptiles? But better than reptiles, because my pets have been successfully potty trained for years. And yet, we’re somehow considered worse tenants than a group of adults who may or may not treat your property like a Vegas afterparty.

Here’s the deal. 

Two out of my three children have nearly graduated to full humans at this point. They are teenage girls, so they are exactly like adults, only scarier. 

The boy is a work in progress, but let’s be honest—most members of his gender take a few extra decades to reach full domestication. 

What if I resubmitted our request as a family of five adults? Would this appease you? If so, I’d like to ask a follow-up question. Have you met many adults in our current society? There’s a decent chance we are partiers, drug users, swingers, or overly influenced by conspiracy theories. 

Trust me. Parents of children are far less likely to party after hours and leave puke stains around your toilet. We are too damn tired for that. At most we’ll have a glass of wine while our youngest child wanders out of his room repeatedly. Eventually, we’ll realize we’re too tired for even that, and we’ll go straight to bed. During the day, we’ll be out of the house as much as humanly possible, because if we sit around too long, the youngest will no doubt require constant entertainment, like a Golden Retriever with a tennis ball. 

So in truth, we’ll be in your house less than a family of adults. Mathematically, you’ll make more money per actual minute of use than you would with a family who has the luxury to sit and relax for more than a five-minute stretch. When we are at your house, we’ll have tumbled into bed with such a thick layer of exhaustion, we won’t have time to use most of your offered amenities. They will remain clean and untouched.

Again, thank you for your kind explanation as to why you cannot accommodate us on our next trip. We wish you the best of luck in all your future guests—may they not use your beautiful kitchen for methamphetamine cooking.