Guilty Conscience

Guilt and I are well acquainted. 

It doesn’t even have to be my own guilt.

I’ve read crime thrillers which left me walking around in a shameful haze, sure someone would discover the murder weapon in my possession. I’ve woken up from nightmares dripping with sweat over horrific mistakes made by my subconscious. Certain movies and TV shows leave me feeling as though I’m keeping a terrible secret, even though the secret is entirely fictional and not even plausible in real life. 

This could mean I’m empathetic.

Or, at the very least, catastrophically prone to secondhand shame.

Whether real or imagined, I know I’m not the only one who suffers from a guilty conscience.

I recently learned the United States Government has something called the Federal Conscience Fund. Like most government entities, the Federal Conscience Fund collects money, but this one is quite unique. The fund, established in 1811, accepts voluntary, anonymous payments from people who feel guilty about having committed fraud, tax evasion, or other financial wrongdoing against the federal government.

Did you pocket a pen from a federal office in Washington, D.C.? Take more than one free government brochure from a museum, even though the sign clearly indicates one per customer? Maybe you fudged your tax records? 

The Federal Conscience Fund will take your money and your guilt—no questions asked.

Unless you really did cheat on your taxes. In that case, you are screwed. IRS auditors are going through your tax records right now. They will find you.

You’d think most people wouldn’t bother feeling guilty towards the government. It gets way too much of our money as it is. And when I first heard of this fund, I doubted anyone had ever contributed money to it. I was wrong. Over the years, the Federal Conscience Fund has collected millions of dollars. 

That’s right. Millions. Of. Dollars.

That’s a lot of guilt.

Here are a few actual donations this fund has received:

• $5 from a Former Soldier – A veteran sent in money because he had stolen a blanket from the U.S. Army during World War II.
• (Dude, you fought in a WAR! You should have taken two blankets.)
• $1 for Reusing a Stamp – Someone mailed in a dollar to make up for the fact that they had fraudulently reused a postage stamp.
• (I mean . . . If the postman forgot to cancel it . . .)
• (Now I feel guilty for considering such a crime.)
• $1,500 from an Anxious Citizen – A man mailed in a large sum of money, stating that it was for something he had done wrong years ago, but he didn’t specify what it was. 
• (I have so many questions! This could turn into a plot for a novel.)
• A Small Amount for Stolen Office Supplies – Several people have sent in money for stealing things like government-issued pens, staplers, and paperclips.
• (Stolen office supplies?!? How could they?)
• (Also . . . Making mental calculations as to how much money I owe my past employers for keeping me well-stocked in writing instruments.)
• An Anonymous Donation for Underpaying Taxes – One person sent a payment with a note saying that they thought they had miscalculated their taxes but weren’t entirely sure.
• (Okay, but the IRS is still coming for you.) 

Perhaps my favorite story is of a man who sent in a check for $100 along with a note of explanation. "I cheated on my taxes and can’t sleep. Here’s $100. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest."

I may not have any crimes to confess (that I know of), but now I’m wondering—how many people are out there tossing and turning over a borrowed government pen? If you suddenly feel the urge to make an anonymous donation, don’t worry—you’re not alone. The Federal Conscience Fund will always be there, collecting guilt, one dollar at a time.